It adds that special shine
by Quicksilver Foxx
Summary: Summer is almost over, and Snape is going back to hogwarts. This time, though,there's a catch. He's a special detectivespy for the Ministry of Magic. The babes all adore him. Could things get interesting? Naaaahhh.
1. Default Chapter

**It adds that special shine**

Extremely private entries of one Mr. Severus S. Snape

Ok, this is Quicksilver's second fanficâthe first is listed in her profile if anyone is interested.

This is a humor fic. There are too many romance fics which is really annoying, but this one will have a tiny amount of romanceâbe prepared.

Flames will be used to burn cheesecake cupcakes and warm the authoresses creative energy. Bwahahahaha.

Please review this story and tell me what you think. I know it doesn't seem like it, but the story will get better later.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Even though I should. Life is funny like that

And nowâto start the story!

July 30

Afternoon

3: 41

Have just been in the shower. Ignore the water stains on the page.

I think I am addicted to showers. Every time I dirty myself in Potions class, I always scrub the filth away afterwards. Dirt irritates and inflames my skin. I am very sensitive, you know. Red swells do not look the least bit attractive on my pale complexion.

Dirt sucks.

Stupid dirt.

I think I have lost my muse. I am confined to writing sentences created out of two words. It is hard to believe that after all the practice I had when writing essays, doing extra homework, getting a doctorate in a muggle literature class, and writing Lily love letters (ermâignore that. It wasn't reeeeeeeally a love letter. I had food poisoning and my hormones were on the rampage. It wasn't my fault! Its not like I, well, liked her, anyways. And the Maurderers had her all to themselves. Stupid mudblood. Do I sound defensive? I'm not. Mind your own business).that I stoop so low as to write the neandratholic phrase "dirt sucks."

I will stop writing now.

Shower time.

3:56

Ahhhh. I enjoyed using that new loofah scrub Professor Sinatra got me for my birthday last year. Loofah helps with the circulation.

I do not know why that annoying girl Sinatra got me the scrub, though. She was one of the only ones to get me a present. McGonagall got me a new silver cauldron. Hooch got me a chocolate decadent cake. Trelawney (shudder) got me a rose. I burned it.

I hope she wasn't implying anything.

All of them.

3:57

Shuddder.

Sinatra is so strange. Ever since first year, she hasn't talked much to anyone. She just hides in the astronomy tower. She is a bit like that annoying girl. What's her name, the one with all the good grades. Granger? Whatever.

Funny, Sinatra and Granger have the same frizzy hair.

Snicker.

4:00

I shouldn't be talking however. My hair is far from perfect.

4:01

What was I writing about? I got side tracked.

Oh yes.

Sinatra unfortunately gained the gift of speak around seventh year, when she was named Head Girl. She turned into an obnoxious brat.

She still is one.

4:02

Why do I keep writing about her? We loathe each other.

I wonder why she got me that loofah though.

4:05

Maybe she felt indebted to me because I got her a valentine's present.

I got her a moldy cockroach cluster.

Hee hee.

4:06

She thought it was a chocolate frog (her glasses were cracked).She nibbled it.

I will relish the expression on her face for eternity.

4: 07

I did not, however, relish the fact that she then used Petronifus Totalis on me, forced my mouth open, and made me eat the rest of it.

I had indigestion for days.

4:08

Ah, well. Email time. The muggle flat I stay at over the summer thankfully has a dial up connection.

Night night.

ââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ

To: 

From: 

Are you a small? (wand size) Would you like

to increase your size? Look

no further than the new magical technology of enlargement spell!

This unique spell was created recently by

Mssrs. Fred and George W. and has the proven capability to

enlarge your wand size as well as other 'members' too! Click on this link

to order a free 

If you would not like to receive more advertisements from Zonkos, please go to our website and email a complaint to us. We will respond as soon as possible to the situation.

To: Professor Snape Minerva McGonagall Sprout Flitwick Sinatra Poppy Pomfrey Madame Dobby Winky 

From: professor Dumbledore 

Greetings, fellow colleagues! The start of the sixth year is now approaching ever faster! I can't wait to see all of you again.

A few reminders:

A position for a defense against the dark arts teacher is still open! If any of you would like to try out this year, you are free to do so.

You will have to pick new head boys and girls candidates, and perfects for your houses. Please get the registrations in soon.

We will be having a couple of ministry reporters in Hogwarts this year! We are having our rare and loathed inquisition of doom (no, the one umbridge did last year didn't count). The ministry knows this is a great inconvenience, and says that if we resent this deeply, a couple of professors can do the job for them. Please volunteer and save us from the ministry horror!

Thankfully, Fred and George are gone this year, but they have a partnership with Zonko's and have discovered email (anyone else got that wand enlargement spam?). I will send out a spam control and e-curse sender at the beginning of the year to prevent web trouble.

If you have any questions or complaints, email me at 

Let's all have a wonderful year!

From: Professor Hooch 

To: Professor Snape 

Hey, sevvie, wats up? Exited about school? I am I love getting to see everyone again. See u soon.

From: 

To: 

Hey sweetie, is your summer too dull? Well, zest it up now by becoming a member at Busty Witches and for the first year, pay a minimum fee!

Not sure yet? Click on this link to sample our 'merchandise!' you'll be begging for 

sign up now at !

ââââââââââââââââââââââââ

From: 

to: 

die, weasly, die.

Attachment: digi-crutacious curse

From: 

To: 

I would like the position of defense against dark arts professor.

Send me that curse thingy NOW.

From: 

To: 

Subject: Die

Call me sevvie and I will send you a digi-crutacious curse.

Please refrain from emailing me.

ââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ.

Soooâ.what did you think? REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Blabber and Zombie goo

God, my first chapter was so screwed up...STUPID FANFICTION TOOK AWAY ALL THE EMAIL ADDRESSES AND ADDED THESE WEIRD SYMBOLS EVERYWHERE! GAH!

Y.Y I apologize very much...can you guess who these email addresses belong to? Muahaha...

Soz about the long wait etc...

REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.............................................................................

Chapter 2

August 2

2: 03

Today is that miserable, worthless useless bastardly scum Potter's birthday. Die, Potter, die.

It makes me feel funny, that potter and Evans are both dead, though. Even though I wanted both dead numerous times.

2:04

Like when Potter turned me upside down and everyone saw my knickers.

2:05

Or when Potter cursed my skin blue for a week.

2:06

Or when Potter pushed me into the lake and Evans laughed.

2:07

Or when Potter and Evans went together to the Yule ball.

2:08

Or when...well, you get the point.

I permanently stopped having a crush on Evans in fifth year when I saw Potter kiss her. Yeah, she screamed at him and slapped him a bit, but still. She was tainted by slimeybastardyness.

Not that I ever had a crush on her or anything.

Well, I didn't.

Don't look at me like that.

Yes, you. Stupid journal.

What? well, so was your mother. And your mother also ate shit from your ass!

I am arguing with a journal.

Shower time.

3: 45

Ahhh. I love bubble baths.

I blow dried my hair. It made it worse than usual, though. At least it's dry now.

3:46

Btw, I am getting strange emails from hooch. In Hogwarts, she was two years below me. She asked me out to the Yule ball. I sneered.

..........................

Just thought you wanted to know.

....................................

God, I love sneering.

Sneeeeeeeeeeeeer.

It was a bit embarrassing when McGonagall caught me practicing my sneering techniques in the mirror. Within 13 hours, the whole staff knew about it.

I hate that wench.

I sneer in her general direction.

Sneeeeer...hehehe

...................................................................

August 3

Bored.

I am so not going to be a reporter/type ministry dude for Dumbledore.

Sorry, blonde randomness urges.

That was random.

And weird. I am worrying for my sanity.

.............................

Oh well.

5:37

The reporter type folks are going to mess around the classrooms. Sit in on things.

5:46

They'll probably ask me to demonstrate potion things to them.

5:50

And sit in on staff meetings and at the meals.

I hope a teacher volunteers.

5:56

Maybe I should volunteer.

WHAT AM I SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

I will NOT volunteer. Not if my life depends on it.

5:57

I would get to spy on other teachers and students.

Hmmmmm.

6:00

I think I will go out and see that new muggle movie "Zobieoids: Attack of the Goo Creatures." I have never seen a muggle movie before.

(a/n: time passes...n.n)

.....................................................

12:06

How lame. Sneeeeeer. A waste of muggle money. Muggle money is a waste anyways...who cares.

Zombieoids screwed with my sense of reality. I mean really, big, gooey mummies oozing down a street, and everyone screams and runs away, but nobody hears of it internationally and the press doesn't write anything and 11 people die, but don't even get a funeral? Muggles are weird.

End of topic.

12:07

But still. When the Zombies took over New York, the surviving pocket of humanity hid in the mall. Then they made a break for the outside world.

Why? They were perfectly safe in the mall! They could have lived there for the rest of their lives! And when they did go out, they ran outside in cutoffs and t-shirts. Zombies could jump behind them and suck out their brains in those skimpy clothes. I mean, they were holed up in the mall, for crying out loud. They could have stalked up on leather, helmets, and armor, for god's sakes. Feh. Sneeeeeeer.

Feh. Stupid muggles.

What? I like to rant.

Don't look at me like that, journal.

I can have opinions too.

Must shut up.

I think that when I retire from being a proffesory type person, I will make a decent muggle zombie movie. I think that I have better ideas on plot than those stupid directors who wear berets and yell things through tubes. For instance, I noticed that certain people always die or do not die in the movies, like those who smoke. The one sidekick to the main character (a female blonde who always wore high heels, even when sprinting away from zombie goo), a man named Billy Bob or something was a heavy smoker. When I saw him, I mentally went "Bye bye..." He died painfully, obviously. Moviegoers have a thing against smokers, I guess. Have you noticed that the main characters are always either men with crew cuts, or women with eating disorders and great hair? I would think that the human to lead civilization to war with zombiekind would not be an Arnold Swartznegger clone, or an anorexic blonde with good hair voulumage, but a tall, dark man with long, silky locks, intense eyes, and magical prowess...like me. A career in acting doesn't sound too bad...hell, many directors starred in their own plays. I think.

I will consider this matter further.

Bed time.

.......................................................

From: a secret admirer (wizardwheezes:admirerstogo.cm)

To: (Snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

I really like you, sevvie. I think about you all the time. I have my shirt off now. My bra size is a DD. My tits are all hard thinking about you.

I want to meet you. I know you. Meet me in the park on rosedale ave. and we will join our bodies in the harmony of nature.

Love,

Secret admirer

From: (dumbledoreasaurus:hogwarts.ed)

To: (Snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

Greetings, Severus. How is your summer?

You are the only one who hasn't told me that you are unavailable for secret reporter status. Are you interested? Btw: a raise might possibly be involved ;)

Attached to this email is the digi-curse file. Enjoy!

From: (ifyoucantplaycoach:hogwarts.ed)

To: (snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

Re: Die

Ooh someones a little mad, hmmm? n.n i now you really like it. Btw are you busy, mabe we can go see that movie zombieoids.

....................................................................................................

To: (wizardwheezes:admirerstogo.cm)

From: (snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

That sounds like fun. I sent you an attachment containing a photo of me naked.

Attachment: Digi-curse generator

To: (dumbledoreasaurus:hogwarts.ed)

From : (Snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

How much are you willing to pay? I might possibly consider.

To: (ifyoucantplaycoach:hogwarts.ed)

From: (snapesybaby:hogwarts.ed)

Re: re: die

Too late, wench. I have already seen it.

..................................................

12:23

Grrr. How did the Weasly twins get my email anyways?

Oh well. I relish the fact that as soon as they open that attachment, their skin will turn a neon yellow, their hair fall out, and mushrooms grow on their eyeballs. Also, the Barney theme song will be stuck in their heads for a week. Sneer. Mwahahahahahaha. I am the master of torture.

Why is that idiot Hooch emailing me? I loathe her.

Sports were never my thing.

Why did she offer to go to a movie with me?

!2:25

I hope she doesn't like me.

12:26

Oh god.

Responses:

Please forgive for the crapness of these past two chapters....-.-; I swear the quality WILL improve...once my muse kicks in...

Muse: Nyah! Pbbthpbbb....(blows raspberry)

Do you feel my pain!!??

....................................................

Darkfire180: Hey you! Thanks for reviewing my new story...marmar is too lazy...:( Email this story to missy and jenny etc!

Harleythecat: You are so cool! :) Yes, the emails were screwed up...(sighs) Thanks for putting me on author alert! This is like a first! (huggles)

Sierra's Darkness: Heya Hanna! Thanks for reviewing!

Tan mx: Hi! :) I read your bio! We are both MONKEYS!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Fast Talking Johnny: Thanks for reviewing! n.n I luuuuuuuuurve your name! :D

Roae: Heya! Thanks for the support...re upload? Huh?

Not pervy, eh? It will be soon...muahahahahaha...

Yami no Marik: hey! I'm honored that my fic is the first HP you've read...there's lots of good ones out there! Like 'Laminations of a starry eyed twit". Its in my profile.

.........................................................

Kuddakuddapaw!!!!!!! XD Review, pretty please, or no updation!!!!


	3. Snapethe spy?

Disclaimer: I own many things. Including socks, flying monkeys, catnip, and a bra. But sadly, I do not own Harry Potter. Meh.

REVIEW!!!!!!!

September 1

1:02

Well, that's it. Somehow, through some strange celestial error, I have come to be the special Reporter Inquisitor of Hogwarts.

1:03

Aaaaaaargh. I hate my life.

But on the bright side, I will have license to spy on anyone and have any information that I want and obtain it using any means necessary.

Bwahahahaha. Sneer.

My revenge on all of Hogwarts shall be sweet.

The Gryffindors will never know what hit them.

Who should I spy on? Hmmm...Harry and his little dweeby fan club, of course. Trelawney. I can find out how she really makes those predictions. McGonagall. I can steal her wig. Binns...nah, I'd die of boredom. Ha ha. That was a pun.

Right.

Hooch. I can find out why she's acting so weird.

Maybe she likes me?

Nahhhhhhh...

1:06

I can find out why Sinatra got me that loofah scrub, too. Bwahahaha.

I still remember when Sinatra teased me about my hair...she stole my special hair potion for a week, and my hair became...

I can't tell you.

That is my worst secret.

Maybe later. I don't feel like writing much today. Email time.

from: Quicksilver Foxx (quicksilverfoxxhotmail.cm)

To: (snapesybabyhogwarts.ed)

Subject: (none)

Hiya, sexy!

From: (ifyoucantplaycoachhogwarts.ed)

To: (Snapesybabyhogwarts.ed)

Re:re:re:die

:( So you already saw the movie? To bad mabe we can go see the invincible sponge man tomorrow? n.n

From: (Dumbledoreasaurushogwarts.ed)

To: Professor Snape (snapeseybabyhogwarts.ed) Minerva McGonagall (Minnymehogwarts.ed) Sprout (greeniegirl101hogwarts.ed) Flitwick (charmyersocksoffhogwarts.ed) Trelawney(icansee!hogwarts.ed) Binns(goblinrevolutionsoftheseventeenthcenturyhogwarts.ed) Sinatra (heavensenthogwarts.ed) Poppy Pomfrey (earmuffsrsexyhogwarts.ed) Madame hooch(thosewhocantplaycoachhogwarts.ed) Dobby (socksaremylifehogwarts.ed) Winky (poormastercrouchhogwarts.ed) Hagrid(monstermatehogwarts.ed) professor Belldame (hotstuffnumber1hogwarts.ed)

Dear colleagues,

The school year is approaching fast, and I have a few last minute reminders to make.

1. Thankfully, we can take a sigh of relief, for the Inquisitors aren't coming this year. Surprisingly, this job has been fulfilled by Severus. Let's give Severus a large hand.

2. We have a new DADA teacher, Professor Belldame. Let's give her a warm welcome, and invite her into our Hogwarts family.

3. This year, the Hogwarts students get emails of their own within the school network. Professor McGonagall is in charge of distributing these.

From: snapesybabyhogwarts.ed

To: Quicksilverfoxxhotmail.cm

Subject: Re:

Attachment: Digi-curse

From: snapesybabyhogwarts.ed

To: ifyoucantplaycoachhogwarts.ed

Re:re:re:re:die

No.

Attachment: digi-curse

Sorry about the shortness...maybe another chapter will come up in a few weeks. -.-; Please review!

Responses:

Fast Talking Johnny: Yay! Another review! Yes, I will try to read your story when I have the time...or I remember...Bakura stole my memory.

Bakura: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: GIVE IT BACK!!!!!

Bakura: NEVER!!!!!!

Speaking of Bakura, aren't you in that story by dagisagi somebody about possessed staplers and whatnot? I asked her if she would marry me...I was kidding though. O.o Too much sugar.

Darkfire180: Heya kim. I cannot respond to your review because I am thinking of my RGC...hehehehe...

CrazyGirl47: Awww, thank you! n,n I feel so loved....

Roae: What do you mean, 'I have to wonder about you?' What did I do? You are no better. Coughbakurafangirlcough. Well, have fun reading this chappie!

MarMar3: Hello Marta. Maybe I should look up yaoi on google...see what comes up...It's probably gross and slightly disturbing, but oh well.


End file.
